🌙 The Temple I Tried to Control: My Journey Through Childhood Anorexia and Sacred Rebuilding

I didn’t stop eating because I wanted to be beautiful. I stopped eating because I wanted to disappear.

As a child, my home was chaos. My parents were emotionally unavailable, physically unwell, and spiritually disconnected. The house was rotting—mold, clutter, silence. No one cleaned. No one cared. So I did.

I scrubbed floors like they were altars. I prayed over filth like it was sacred. I tried to make the mess holy.

And somewhere in that mess, I stopped eating.

🖤 Starvation as Survival

Anorexia wasn’t about vanity. It was about control. It was about shrinking myself so I wouldn’t be a burden. So I wouldn’t be seen. So I wouldn’t feel.

I was praised for being disciplined. For being thin. For being “strong.”

But I wasn’t strong. I was starving.

I was scared. I was trying to find order in a world that felt like rot.

I didn’t know how to ask for help. So I asked for invisibility.

🌿 The Years That Followed

After I gave my baby away… After I fell into meth addiction…After I lived in a tent on a snowy mountain… I didn’t binge. I didn’t overeat. I was still in survival mode.

My body was numb. My hunger was buried. My nervous system was frozen.

It wasn’t until much later—after years of rebuilding, detoxing, and reclaiming my body—that grief cracked me open again.

But that’s another story. Another post. Another sacred chapter about Jason, and the grief that brought me back to my body in a new way.

✨ What I Know Now

I still care about how I look. I still love feeling lean and energized. But now I eat fruit, grains, veggies, nuts, coconut, kombucha. I soak my food. I hydrate. I move. I pray.

I still eat egg whites and a little dairy. Not because I’m “cheating”—but because I’m choosing what works for me right now.

If you want to feel good in your body, you have to learn how to care for it. You have to understand your gut. You have to respect your nervous system. You have to eat with clarity, not fear. You have to move with reverence, not punishment.

✝️ The Temple Is Me

My body is not a punishment. It’s not a project. It’s not a problem.

If you want to feel good in your body, you have It’s a temple. It’s a testimony. It’s a tool for resurrection.

I don’t count calories anymore. I count clarity. I count prayers. I count the moments I choose love over fear.

💌 Why I Share This

Because someone out there is still starving. Still shrinking. Still believing their worth is measured in macros.

But I’m here to say: You are not broken. You are not too far gone. You are not alone.

Balance is not perfection.

It’s permission. To eat. To rest. To rise.